


Don't Ask Me (What Your Sacrifice Was For)

by fireweed15



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hunger Games Setting, Gen, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, this is the most fucked up thing i've written in months
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 19:39:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11297463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireweed15/pseuds/fireweed15
Summary: I know she wouldn't want me to feel this way, and that she'd be happy I came home. So why is looking in the mirror so difficult?





	Don't Ask Me (What Your Sacrifice Was For)

**Author's Note:**

> TW: PTSD / Survivor Guilt, Self Harm, Suicidal Ideation || Written for Round 8 of the Hurt / Comfort Bingo: Survivor's Guilt   
> Recommended Music: Empty Chairs at Empty Tables – Eddie Redmayne, _Les Misèrables_

My name is Papyrus Aster, and I've just won the Sixtieth Hunger Games.

The staff cares for me magnificently—damage to bones normally takes months of painful medical intervention to heal, and yet they have it done in hours. No one will say, but I think a lot of it is because I'm supposed to look good for the cameras, for the Capitol, and not because I asked for it (and I didn't ask for it).

I'm still carrying her dust in her bandanna. They've tried to take it from me, but I don't let them. I have an obligation—I want her family to have closure. I can do that much right at least.

• • •

_"Pap, help me—!" Terrified cries, the snap of powerful jaws, a low growl that gives way to a deafening howl—_

My name is Papyrus Aster, and the nightmares begin shortly after I come home.

I see her death over and over. I guess seeing it a thousand times would make it less upsetting—but it never does. Not for me.

I keep seeing how I could have saved her—ways I could have attacked the mutt, ways we could have gone to stay safe—

I see all the mistakes that cost my friend her life, and I don’t get a lot of sleep on the nights I have nightmares.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't get a lot of sleep at all.

• • •

I'm sitting on the bed in my new house. It's a nice house, and I keep thinking about how it was paid for. I try not to, but all the same…

_It's gonna be okay. W-we can fix this. I—I think I learned some healing magic at training!_

I didn't use it in time—and what if it wouldn’t have been enough? It was so _bad_ …

What good is my magic if I can't use it to help people? What good was my magic if I couldn’t help _Maisy_?

I summon a bone—accident, I didn't mean to. Great. I can accidentally make a weapon from magic, but I can't save my friend—

" _Stupid_!" The sound of that bone hitting my hand is loud (especially in my empty house), and it hurts. A lot… and for a second I forget how badly I screwed up in not saving her in time.

It's the quietest my brain has been in a month.

I guess… I lose track of time after that. I just know that my hand really hurts after doing that for a long time. I can’t flex my fingers, and I'm okay with that. I deserve it.

My name is Papyrus Aster, and I try not to use my magic too much anymore.

• • •

My name is Papyrus Aster, and the roof of my house is nice. High. I sit up here a lot.

I think that scares people. I can understand why, but I wouldn't want to do it like that. I like it here because it's quiet. Sometimes my mind is quiet too.

I guess after all of that, I'm not afraid of falling anymore, or turning to dust. I hope you don't know what I mean when I say that.

I have a lot of time to think about things like that. I don't know how other Victors spend their free time after their Games, if they think about it too, or if I'm just really fucked up.

• • •

My name is Papyrus Aster, and I shouldn’t have won the Sixtieth Hunger Games.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a monster and I apologize. If you stuck with me this far, you're a goddamned trooper.


End file.
